C - Creates a sense of comfort and care

H - Holds a part of my heart, my present and hopefully my future

R - Redefined life for me

I - Instilled Hope and love

S - Saved me.

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Coming from a life of uncertainty and hurt, you saw me, You saw something that no one even dared to look at. You made me feel that i am special, that i am worth something.

Hiding inside my protected world, You invited me out, Lending your hand and supporting my weak body to stand up and face the world that i know would hurt me.

Reassuring me that you're here to cover me, to be my santuary when i cant take anymore, To be my strenght, my voice and my light when clouds of doubts fill me.

Inspiring me to shine, to be free and to be me. REAL and TRUE, The way you saw and imagined me to be.

Securing my life for victory, setting the path for glory. and simple seeing me.

Welcome, clio! You have 0 unread messages: I have been told not to expect too much but i cant help but be sad. NO emails???

 II

The smell of fresh garden drenched with the morning dew

The golden sunlight enveloping my skin,

Warm breeze embracing me.

Heaven, heaven is what i feel.

You came in my darkest hour.

Bringing me home.

covering me with warmth

easing my pain.

I imagine your touch

i imagine your kiss

i imagine your arms

touching, kissing, holding me

Th distance between us

The diffirence of our lives

makes it difficult.

oh how i hate difficult.

i want you near. i want you here.

be mine, BE US!

I was walking in makati one fine afternoon. The sun with its golden rays glistening on every surface i see. Then a tap on my shoulders "excuse me miss! i didnt want to bother you but im kinda lost, dont know whom else to ask for direction, can you pls help me?" it was a man, standing 5'10 infront of me, with the most compelling eyes looking intently at me, begging me to help him. "Where are you going?" i asked. "I need to go the shangrila plaza hotel, by the way my name is christopher" then he offered me his hands, as our palms touched, sparks raced through my body. the feeling was intense, as if i was struck by lightning. NICOLE was the only word i uttured and from that moment on i was like under a trance, time stopped, the whole city blurred. Only one thing remained clear, the magnetic man infront of me holding my hand.

"Nicole? uhummn" im back to reality, realizing how silly i looked. Little embarrased i took my hands back and offered to get him a cab. "Now that's the thing, i dont wanna get a cab coz i wanna experience public transportation, i heared about um errr whacha callit? a jeepney, i wanna try that one" said the cutest lips i've ever laid eyes upon. I smiled and took his hands and dragged him to the nearest station. every inch of my skin tingling with the touch of his skin againts mine, friction has never been this good. We rode a jeep and i have never seen somebody get excited riding a jeep before. it was kinda like a boy having his first football game. excitement and anticipation in a grown man's face. it was so adorable and all the time his hand is on my hand. squeezing and playing with it. then he looked at me with those expressive brown eyes. gratitude, longing and something else are emanating out.

After the jeepney ride, he offered to take me to dinner for my troubles, He ordered Penne Con Broccoli and grilled tuna belly with pinot blanc. i simply ordered chicken. We talked during dinner and i found out that he is here for a cosmetic conference. He said that the oriental body composition of asians might not be suitable to the cosmetic procedure intended for the western populace. We talked like there was no tomorrow and i suddenly find myself inside his hotel room.

Wine seemed to overflow and the feeling of this man near me, his hands on my hips as we sway to a sweet beat of a slow background music. I can hear his breathin, i can feel his heartbeat. it's racing while he stroke my back. I feel numb while he caress my skin. then he whispered to my ear with the most soothing voice."relax darling, your body is too tense" i looked at him, our eyes intertwined, he can see i was scared but God those eyes, those longing eyes and those inviting lips. I couldnt resist my self, he pulled me closer, kissed me so gently. he's lips so soft and so powerful, his hands on my back, supportin me coz my legs and knees are failing me, His passionate kisses full of longing, full of emotions, then his hands started to wander, touching ang feeling every part of my silky body. he slowly undress me as i undress him. he picked me up and laid me on his bed. He stared for a moment, savoring the image of me on his bed. he came close and started kissing me, touching and caressing me. his lips wandered and found themselves on my breasts. As he move, i can feel my spirit soaring. it was so intense. i couldnt take it anymore so i begged him. he position himself on top of me. slowly stroking me with his manhood. i asked him to be gentle coz i think its too big for me to take in. he gently pressed himself on me. slowly sliding it in. It was warm. no i think it was hot. i thought he'd burn me. then rushed the pain as he tried to put it in. i felt my body would rip. I was so stretched. it was searing hot and it was painful. i asked him to pull it out. he just caressed me with kisses and reassured me that its ok. he asked me to relax. and god those eyes, those eyes made me forget about the pain. He was caressing me and i was responding when he thrusted it all in. i was shocked coz i thought he had it all in the first time, i was wrong.

He was moving inside me. we were moving to a cosmic dance that only the two of us hear. i finally understand the theory of relativity. This man on top of me, moving, sliding and me taking it all in. i wanted to scream but only breaths and moans are heard from me. my mind spinning, my body moving, my spirit soarin to the heavens. i felt like exploding, i can sense my body becoming tense, my heart racing twice the rate when we started. he is moving fast, i can feel his body stiffining, faster and faster. it was crazy. i was crazy. then i felt him. our bodies lock. a bind of fluid connected our body together. We were one of the same. and then heaven was achieved. heaven was here.

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"Nicole?" called my mother

"Mom?"

"come here baby, stop crying,"

 "i miss him mother, i want him back! why hasnt he contacted me?"

"if he's meant for you, he'll come back for you"

"mommy,'

"oh baby, i dont have the answers, stop crying now pls. it breaks my heart"

"mom, i love him."

"i know, but it's been months now, you have to pull yourself together"

"oh christopher, i miss you!"

"It's usual for a woman who never really had a stablished father figure to demand attention and to constantly ask for validation that someone loves her" DR. Stanley Katz Ph.D.

I have always known about this and no matter how i tried to convince and accept this empty hole in my past. No matter how i try to surpass this issue, i still revert back to the old needy helpless little me. This whole issue of not being liked takes a toll on all other relationships that i have. i have a hard time trusting and believing other genuine affections since what i long for is the primal care that i missed from my dad.

My fondest memory of him when i was still a little girl (HUH???) was when he would drive me to school, when he has dunkin donuts pasalabong for me and my big brother, when we would go the breakwaters of luneta to eat litson manok every other saturday nights, when we dine out and aristocrat will be the place. when we would watch a movie in centerpoint, (rocketeer was the last movie i saw with my dad), when i woke my mom up in the middle of the night coz i wanna see my daddy, i had ear infection then and i wanted to eat at jollybee's but they were all closed so we went to aristocrat instead and that's when we realized it was my birthday.

I remember every weekend we would to swimming. Every afternoon, he would take us around our place on our bike. every sunday we are at CCP or luneta. My first boat ride was with him in manila bay and i said i saw a mermaid and he laughed and agreed with me. I remember him holding my hands when we walk or stroll even just to buy bread in the bakery. I love my dad and i know he loves me, its just that it has never been a practice in our family to be mushy and affectionate.

writing this makes me cry coz all my life he was there, but i just couldnt be with him. we missed a lot of years and its hard to start a new. i want him to hold my hand, hold me when im scared, pick me up and throw me in the air when i did something great. and i just wanna lean on him and forget about the time and worries of the future.

"i had my dad all my life. but i didnt had him growing up!"  

I know even before i met you,

i have this feeling of emptiness.

I hole left from a miserable life.

You said you can never fill it,

only acceptance and forgiveness can.

You were there for me to make the pain bearable.

You made me forget about it.

NOw its dented, And you cant be here for me.

YOU CAN NEVER BE HERE FOR ME!