After so many years ng pagkakakilala nmin. hindi ko ineexpect na ang kuya ng mga kabarkada ko from childhood ay nagooffer sakin ng isang proposition. HE said that he wants to be the first guy for me. He wants to be the first to teach me things about sex. Ok. at first medjo hindi ako makapaniwala (although before he was flirting with me na) pero ngayon sobrang serious sha na merong manyari samin. Aaminin ko, crush ko rin sha dati pa pero now na meron ng gani2. medjo nalilito ako, pano pag meron ngang nanyari samin? pano nlang ako makikitungo sa mga kakilala nmin. at what if he demands things from me na hindi ko nman willing ibigay. I know i'm willing to do it with him pero deep inside. im sad kc parang i have to let go of the value that was taught to me. The essence of making love with someone who i love and loves me back. Luckilly. nagkaron ako ng sign! and i have decided to wait. Wait for someone that i can be so comfortable with and have no regrets after.

It was a big mistake. pero bkit merong mga mali na di mo maialis sa sarili mo? i know nadidipressed lang ako pero matigas talga ulo ko eh. ayun pilit ko paring kinikilala c jayson. which makes me like him even more pero everyone knows di talga pede. i long for him so much that it hurts. i dont know why i like him cguro kc isipbata sha, believe me sa laking tao nya minsan parang bata kung umasta (parang ako, TEKA ako, dahil isip bata o ako dahil malaking tao) parehong pareho kmi, kung ano ang ginusto.yun na yun. wla ng makakapagbago. pero one good thing. pag seryoso. kala mo meron ng apo kung maging seryoso. sobrang daldal din, kung ano ano ang alam na topic. he had his share of playing around pero nagmature na sha. alam nia kung pano mainlove kaya ayun. pag inlove kayang gumawa ng crazy things just to prove his love. Alam din nia na googlooking sha. sus highschool plang na realize na nia yun. manalo ka ba nman ng mga contest eh. naging MR. ADONIS nga sha ng skul (SOZY) pero another admirable trait nia. hindi sha full of himself. minsan nga insecure pa sha eh w/c is kinda hard to believe pero ganun tlaga sha eh. di mayabang pero confident na medjo insecure. ang gulo no pero ayun ang napansin ko sa kanya. another thing na sobrang nagustuhan ko sa kanya. HE's protective. sa family, sa friends. para shang  security guard. physically and emotionally protective sa mga taong mahal nia. sheeeet! sobrang fulfilling cguro kung sha magiging bf ko! pero, wla lang.

pero maiba ako, ayokong tinititigan ako ni john, kc bumabalik pagka gus2 ko sa kanya eh! ewan di ko na alam cno gus2 ko!

Clio, you're a Romantic Realist

When it comes to relationships, you're looking for a fairy tale - or something pretty close to it. While you don't really expect to be whisked away by a prince on a white horse, you probably like the idea of being rescued - as long as you're allowed to rescue back. You expect great things out of people, especially those you love, and you don't mind putting in the extra effort to make sure everyone (including yourself) is happy.

Tradition is usually important to you, as long as it's mixed with your own personality. Sure, flowers and candy are great, but when it comes to showing affection, you simply want something that is unique and special to your relationship. For you, it's always the thought that counts.

You are as romantic as Valentine's day!

Result of the romantic test. BUt here's my idea of a romantic moment with someone!

• Gusto kong maranasan na bumili ng barbeque sa kanto nmin ksama ang BF ko (inggit ako sa mga lovers na nakakasabay ko na bumibili dun.)
• Gusto kong maranasan na sumugod sa ulan (khit baha) ksama bf ko (NESCAFE COMMERCIAL?)
• Gusto kong maranasan na bumalaw sa sementeryo kasama BF ko tuwing NOV 1.
• Gusto kong maranasan na sinusundo ako ng BF ko walo na pag mahirap makauwi.
• Gusto kong maranasan ang manood ng DVD sa room ko kasama ang BF ko. (LIGHTS OFF!)
• Gusto kong maranasan na mag OUT-OF-TOWN ksama bf ko. 
• Gusto kong maranasan na mang-istordo o maistordo sa madaling araw pag hindi makatulog.
• Gusto kong maranasan na magjeep kasama ng bf ko na sweet. (sligh PDA lang)
• Gusto kong maranasan na dumalaw BF ko sa bahay nmin tpos papadeliver kmi ng food.
• Gusto kong sumakay sa rides ng STAR CITY at ENCHANTED KINGDOM kasama ng bf ko.
• Gusto kong gumimick kasama mga friends ko tpos susunod bf ko.
• Gusto kong mangulekta ng pics and videos nmin together. every min magtatake ako ng picture nmin.

basically ang gus2 ko lang nman mangyari eh lagi kami magkasama, ano mang moment yun!

I dont think that i'm on the right mood to write something about myself, coz i might tell things about me that would put me on the spot. but true to the nature of blogging here goes,,,

i feel like things are going wrong. i think im on the stage where im doubting whether i can continue or not but of course i'm not stupid to throw what i have right now. maybe i just need a recluse and time to recharge and rethink my approach on life. I miss having someone signifficant who would tell me that i look beautiful even at my worst, that he can look at me and not look and turn the other side, i miss having someone tell me that i make their lives a lot better to handle and sustain. i miss waking up and lying down thinking that no matter what i did that day, someone still loves me. I know i'm equating my happiness to having someone. perhaps it is because the truth that i know about love is that "it can only be shared to someone who loves you back" and its been while since someone loved me back and major fear that i have is that "i will never be loved the way i wanted to be." On a superficial level of things, i do look for someone whom everyone would be envious of me for having him. Sometimes i think that maybe its not yet meant to be but how if its really not meant to be period! i know in love there are no quarantees. They say when you love, you risk to get hurt. BUT WHY IS IT THAT I HURT WITHOUT THAT LOVE???

Kakapaalala  sakin ng mga tao kay TED< napanaginipan ko sha< andun daw kami una sa tricycle at nag tatalo kung saan kami dadaan, pero actually di nman pagtatalo yun kc kilitian kami ng kilitian, tpos nagdecide kmi na maggatecrash sa isang bahay na merong  sofa sa loob ng garahe. tpos siempre super lambing na nman ang loko sakin . (SARAP! MISS KO NA YUN) pero bigla nman lumabas yung me ari na nagkataon kilala ko pla. buti nlang di nagalit nag offer pa nga ng halohalo dahil nagbebenta sila nun. pati nga nanay ko sumulpot para humingi ng halo halo. bigla 2loy kinabahan c mokong! then nagising nako kc malaks ang ulan! 

After a crazy emotional ride with TED, Im again grounded and somehow at ease about who i am. Kala ko magiging ok na ang lahat kc  THE TRUTH has set me free. Pero all my life alam ko na hindi ako mabubuhay ng walang nagiging crush. kaya ayun eto na nman po ako, allowing my self to dream that John and I are together kahit na alam ko nman na its quiet impossible to happen. Una he's kinda homophobic pero dahil sa charms ko, proud ako kc he trusts me with his secrets and emotions na even his bestfriend di nia sinasabihan (BOG). pangalawa, he's the type who's not into serious relationship, at least not yet. pero siempre gus2 kong isipin na bka magbago sha pero sha na nga rin nagsabi never pa sha nagseryoso ng GF. pangatlo, He likes petite girls. eh ako grabeh sa laki ng bone structure ko para akong elepante. heheheeh pero khit na againts all odds ang pagkakacrush ko sa kanya (kc marami ang me ayaw sa kanya, some even say na mukha sha USER) still i cant help it. AND IN FAIRNESS to him (BULAG NA NMAN AKO) he has never taken advantage of me. jusko mas willing pa nga sha na magbayad ng taxi na sinasakyan namin. and during that taxi ride sobrang concern sha dahil napagod ako kakalakad nmin. and added note! He was kindda apologetic from dragging me sa pilgrimage na ginawa nmin nun! kakainis naaalala ko yung mga ganung bagay! c brandon kc eh

tignan mo, prang hawig pa cla! hummp! SARAP MO KUYA!!!!

So umpisa na ng rest day ko! after a very tiring week, plus a dissapointing day. i wanted to get away from it all. recharge myself and examine my emotions. it was hard and it's still, however with the insights and clarity that came from disconnecting. i can say that the GODDESS has returned! Im now ready to face a new life and not look back to the could have, should have , would haves that's pulling me back. I am afraid , and i am weak but if u have spent a moment with yourself and with someone, who's afraid?

Ang hirap magsulat. lalo na pag puno ng emosyon at lalong mahirap pag pinipilit mong wag maiyak kc maraming tao na makakakita sayo! ang tgal kong cnabing wla na, tapos na, pero iba parin ang impact pag maghihiwalay na kayo!  napagusapan na namin 2 b4 pero at least physically nanjan sha sa tabi ko. All the while i was so complacent because i always thought he would be near me always. ngayon wla na! HE SAID GOODBYE! kahit na nireassure nia ako na lagi sha mag paparamdam! still its not enough. sa lahat ng nagpaalam sakin. ganito nlang lagi! because of something that we do not have control over. eto ako prang gaga na umiiyak! gudluck nlang sakin!