My God!!! Whenever i hear those words. I CRINGE! my blood shoots up to the heavens!

 WHOOOWAAAAATTTTT????? You're calling me SIR!!!

Whattafuck do you think of me??

I have been experiencing these incidents lately and it's beginning to bother me. For someone like me who lived her life in stealth mode for quite sometime, These are the most dreaded events  any woman like me fears. I have to admit though that  i havent been dressing properly and i havent been grooming myself like any decent woman out there should, so it could add up to my UGLINESS>

Whenever i look at the mirror and i see something that should'nt be part of my face, i begin to realize i'm turning out to be one ugly woman and all the confidence in the world could'nt hide the fact that i still have the bossing eyebrows and the cornered jaw. I am a pretty woman but age and the more potent hormones in my body are slowly catching up and im near my edge of sanity. I really need to see my endocrinologist so she can give me a more effective hormone regimen.

I imagine people challenging people like me, Debating untill the dawn of time that God only created man and woman, that no matter how we try to alter our physical body, we are and always will be just a man or a woman. But why is there such "Harry Benjamin Standards of Care", "Gender Dysphoria" or "Gender Identity Disorder?" These things explain the state that every person like me have. These try to make our conditions better. People who showed concern to me sometimes asks "Why not be like other GAYS, They are decent, they dont wear women's clothing and they seemed happy.

Why? does a man's clothing define decency? Why, does having a gay relationship make people happy???

I am not gay, Gay people are in peace with their physical body and happens to be attracted to the same body that they have, ergo "HOMOSEXUAL" 

I am a transgendered woman who happens to have an XY chromosome and have an alien flesh hanging between my legs where a vagina's supposed to be but nonetheless i am a woman, every inch of the wholeness of me. I hardly think about my XY chromosomes cause it has been proven that there are people with XXY chromosomes (read: super feminine males) and XYY chromosomes (read: super masculine males, commonly found on hardcore criminals.) plus it has also been noted that during th development of every child. Every fetus has a vagina, with the presence of the Y chromosomes, male hormones causes the female vagina to develop into a male penis and the brain into a male brain, sometimes  however, the male hormones are not sufficient that the brain fails to assimilate its gender and remains female throughout its life. 

Why is it so hard to believe that these things exists? Why do people with no credibility to speak about transgenderism firmly opposes our lives, people that are not knowledgable about our condition have the greatest voice againts us. 

I will say this to all chauvanistic machismo and transphobic people out there, Just like when the CHRUCH opposed Galileo Galilei when he said that the earth is not the center of the world but the sun and when the Jews and the Romans did not believe Jesus Christ and when they opposed the salvation of Mary Magdalene who was regarded a prostitute but maybe the bearer of His offspings...

 IN DUE TIME, WE WILL PROVE YOU WRONG!

WE ARE NOT A MATTER OF CHOICE,,, WE ARE A MATTER OF FACT!

Im bummed to find out that paulky will be leaving us soon.He was supposed to fly back to California but he still had to finish some previous engagements here so most probably we still have a couple of weeks or so to spend time with him. I asked him to atleast stay untill november and he might even stay longer. ( i hope he stays untill my next bday, hehehe)

Paulky and i have been constantly pestering each other but in a nice way and people seem to think it's cute. although it should be noted that paulky is sort of engaged to someone and i am exclusively waiting for my man so there's really nothing goin on between us.

although it is nice to have someone like him who can make me smile (and frown especially if he annoys me). Paulky has been the brother and male friend that i needed to make my long wait bearable and now that he is about to leave us, waiting untill i graduate will be doubly hard that it already has been.

He keeps me strong and level headed specially with my man so i hope his wishes for me and my guy would come true once i move out of my country.

People thinkt that there is romance between us but we really are just good friends. (and please! if you only knew my guy, you'd understand why i feel he's incomparable)

but just to stir up gossip and fun. here's my song for paulky:

It's impossible tell the sun to leave the sky it's impossible

It's impossible ask a baby not to cry it's just impossible

Can I hold you closer to me and not feel you going through me

Split the second that I never think of you oh how impossible

Can the ocean keeps from rushing to the shore it's just impossible

If I have you could I ever want for more it's just impossible

And tomorrow should you ask me for the world somehow I'd get it

I would sell my very soul and not regret it

For to live without your love is just impossible (impossible impossible)

And tomorrow should you ask me...

This seems to happen alot. Series of unfortunate events are so evident that sometimes having fun is becoming less frequent.

It's emotionally tiring and physically draining.

Reserves of fun memories are slowly depleting if not scarce.

There comes a time when you just wanna give up. lie down and just stop.

I need a break!!! 

When will i have my burden holiday?

i have started preparing for my future. If all goes well, I will be leaving my family to start fulfilling who i am supposed to be in a different country. hopefully start my own family of two too.

i sometimes ask myself "will i miss them?" and strange as it may seem. I think i wont. although im still scared coz admittingly, families are such great help and they really are a convinience but aside from that, with the kind of relationship that i have with them, i think i will be ok living alone.

i hope they can find it in their hearts to be happy for me and i hope they can finally realize that my life as complicated as it seems, is my life and there are things that needs to be done to actualize what i should be.

BE HAPPY. no ones to blame.

If you think you know who i am. If you think you can categorize me. Then go for a hike and keep your sorry ass from this world.

I am woman. Trangendered woman that is.

"A transwoman (also spelled trans woman, trans-woman) or t-girl is a transsexual or transgender person who was naturally born or physically assigned as male at birth but feels that this is not an accurate or complete description of themselves and identifies as a woman."

There are a lot of tests to check that a person is truly transgendered. One of them is Sex And Gender Explorer (SAGE) test. An online java scripted questionnaire based on the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria for Gender Identity Disorders. There are 1000 items in the test and if the examinee yields a score of at least 650, the examinee is considered a transsexual.

Here's my result:

SEE???

Now dont you think its about time to trash your unfounded beliefs? coz admit it. You're not an expert about the subject.

i always knew i was different and it wasn't until i learned about transgenderism that i finally found the answers unfortunately my family didn't have the privilege to understand my situation. they showered me with all their love but still their ignorance failed to show me the kind of love i needed to develop the self worth that every child deserves to have.

if you're wondering why I'm telling you this. i just want you to know and to understand that i feel so misunderstood.

My brother and i just had a huge fight. Although he said that my transgenderism doesn't affect him at all, he obviously still believes that i AM JUST A TRANSGENDERED WOMAN and nothing but a person doomed to live alone for the rest of her life.

I don't believe him coz i have someone like you and although you may not be the one that i will spent the rest of my life with but i still know someone will spend their life with me and i can always live my life to the fullest with or without someone.

but hearing that someone whom i grew with, whom i taught will be the first person to say. "i am Nicolle's brother am i am proud" say that if i leave and never return, he wont see a difference in his life. That his life is practically be the same if I'm in it or not is the hardest blow to someone as fragile as me.

I am in a state of so much hurt and it seemed that all my life, all my futile desire to make them proud is nothing to them.

the hardest realization here is that, even though i have always been alone but still thrive to be with someone. My efforts will only lead me to one thing, LONELINESS.~

My life has always been empty and with this, it continues to be empty.

Your Nicole!

I'm sorry if you have to deal with all the drama of my life. i just didn't know whom to go to when shit happens. i hope this doesn't drift you further away from me.

I have been looking for a transgendered group here in the philippines and i have heard about STRAP (Society of Transsexual Woman in the Philippines) a couple of months ago but it's so hard to look for their website. I tried googling STRAP but M2fstrap.org always appears and i must tell you it's NOT the strap org that im looking for.

As my insatiable appetite for more information about transgendered topics and issues grew. I stumbled upon http://www.tsphilippines.com/. The official website of STRAP (Society of Transsexual Woman in the Philippines)

Looking at the pics of all the women involved, i feel like a neophyte among connoisseur. An ugly duckling infact.

Now more than ever i know what i want and what i need to do. I just hope my sister will be able to help me

I seldom receive gifts although i dont usually ask for one, i have to admit that even the smallest token means a lot to me. Recently ruby gave me a little dog keychain that makes a kissing sound and says i love you when pressed.

The other day, Che gave me a small chocolate covered wafer called bonbon.

With these pics, My hands and finger looks perfect but paul asked me to trim my fingernails. He even said that he likes trimmed fingernails in women just to persuade me to cut them coz he knows i really wouldnt. Needless to say, he won and now i have unpolished, unshapely fingernails. The culprit>>> PEEWEE. I hate men in authority. hehehe

Peewee's favorite line is "And now im cursing you for being so sweet and so kind" from tattood on my mind although he sings "i'll be over you" by toto on this pic, hehehe video clip of this rendition will soon be available on youtube. (hahaha) now i have leverage.

I dont like cars although i dont hate it neither. Being a woman that i am, i am really not learned about cars. A friend once laughed at me coz i cant see the difference between two BMW cars manufactured on different years.

My dad bought himself a new toyota revo last Aug. (disclaimer: not the actual car)

This car has a steering wheel lock and it is the thing that i hate the most on this world.

Caused me this>>>

Bruised fingers!

After eating at the same place for 17 saturdays, My classmates and i decided to brave another restaurant near our school. NOw we realized we should be contented with our usual lunch routine.

The food wasn't bad although my classmates would disagree coz thier food sucked plus it's kinda expensy for a simple meal, the soup they served looked like water with a little color with meager oil and it taste practically like water with little color and oil. The facade wasn't accomodating although the inside of the place was spacious and clean. When we entered, the place was so humin so we had to ask the owner of the place to turn on the air-con but it wasn't untill we finished our meal that i felt it.

After eating, We all decided never to comeback to that place again.

Coz how can you eat an unpalatable food with this staring at you???

A PUSSY, hanging around us....

Remember the night i went and talked to you?

Remember i told you i was agitated and restless.

I remember i was feeling beat up.

And when you asked what was wrong,

I showed you what's bothering me.

and with your soothing words.

i slept like a baby.

How many battles can you win?

How many time will i give in?

We're going round and round in circles.

Free me from your spell and let love spark the flame of life

Why that email???

They say that the biggest source of your happiness is also your source of loneliness.

May 20, i receive an email that changed my life. I never thought one email could change my life but it did. It brought so much happiness and color to my plain existence.

Now, I'm asking, Why did i have to receive that email, why did it have to make me stronger?

I am not strong, i can't be strong.

You didn't have to make me believe. You shouldn't have.

I'm tired. I'm tired of asking why

During our discussion on SPECIAL NEEDS CLASS. One group was tasked to report about HEAD INJURIES. As they were describing the different types of head injury,

My head started to ache, palms became cold and sweaty and i my breathing became deep as if i was losing air. Although it wasn't serious, i know it's a form of mild anxiety attack. I wanted to storm out of the room coz i couldn't bare to hear more. I'm afraid of brain trauma, specially of cracked skulls. maybe because i had brain trauma 20 yrs ago.

Although there is really no phobia of head injuries. There is one phobia that i am too familiar with. Claustrophobia or fear of confined spaces. I don't know when did i started fearing confined places. I remember i used to play with boxes when i was a little girl (gurl????) i used to hide and pretend that the boxes was my home, even though i barely fit on them and i also used to play inside cabinets and closets when i was a child. Now i dread getting stuck between narrow spaces.

looking at these picture is enough to agitate me.

I was watching 30 DAYS (reality TV on FOX where participants are asked to live a life completely opposite of their own for 30 days. e.g. a straight man in a gay world, christian among muslims) During the prison episode, Morgan Spurlock went to jail for 30 days and during those 30 days he has to spend 3 days on isolation. Needless to say that triggered an anxiety attack on me.

I'll go mad of i have to spend just 4 hrs inside an isolation room.

One of the fear that is connected with claustrophobia is Merinthophobia or fear of being bound or tied up. I know there are people who gets erotic fantasies with being tied up but these is not me.

Another phobia that a lot of people share is Acrophobia or fear of heights. Although i have this condition, i still wanna skydive and bungee jump so long as i am connected to a man who knows how.

One boring evening i decided to watch television since it's been monthswhen i was in front of the boob tube.

HBO featured a HALLMARK original television movie "CANDLES ON BAY STREET" with Alicia Silverstone as the lead actor. I grew an affinity with her on Clueless, Excess Baggage and Mismatch.

Althought the one that caught my attention was EION BAILEY, an american actor known for appearing in the films Fight Club, Center Stage, Mindhunters and Sexual Life, and the television program Band of Brothers and Significant Others.

Eion's character sam, encapsulates exactly what i envision as a perfect husband for me. A loving, sensitive and stubborn husband. I liked the way he became inlikeable and insensitive in the middle of the film, a typical reaction from an emotional and well adjusted man who fears a big change in life.

And the thing that stuck to me was his voice. I like men who sounds good talking. (just like DAVE, bwahaha)

LOVELY NICKY: I like his voice. i think i hear you through him

TROJAN PEACH: That is a nice sentiment.