To the one i loved who hurt me,

To the people who promised to be there but weren't,

To those who didnt care for me when they should've,

To the people who loved me but cant stay,

To those who took me for a fool,

To those who cheat on me,

To those who used me.

**********I AM AT PEACE**********

I am finally at peace! no more hurt, no more suffering and no more loneliness.

coz i am with someone. FINALLY i found someone who will never leave,

 who will never hurt me and who will always love me.

Finally i am free. Finally I AM LOVED coz

I FINALLY FOUND MYSELF TO LOVE ME!

This is not a wish and definitely not a demand.

When i was involved with someone i try not to be visible so not to have the chance to find somebody else but when my guy dumped me, My initial reaction would be to be available, visible and free.

I was visible indeed and guys have been showing interest in me. I have two guys i decided to have a one time date with, Two guys whom are waiting for me to date them. and three guys waiting for me to be ready to date again.

Needless to say my charms, wit and my hotness captured their interest.

but i know this is not ME, I dont date, i dont flirt and definitely i dont have sex with people and it's becoming clear that sex is the only thing these people want from me so with a big heart, i have to tell them that there's no more that i can give but friendship. It would be nice to note thought that people have different reactions when i tell them to stop dreaming.

One said, it's ok, He never really wanted me in the first place and that he's inlove with someone whom he's very faithful with. (duh!)

Another said he understands but then ask if he can have sex with me even without a relationship. (as if that's gonna happen.)

The last got mad at me and said that im a shitty, insecure, cynical bitch that needs a lot of work to even become worthy of his time. He even compared me to an old lady he knows in san francisco who is successful, smart and only dates guys like him. (Grandpa, is she's all that you say she is then where is she and  why are you so upset with me? Could it be that she's really smart and ran away from you? hahaha)

I like to have friends but please! I may flirt a little but it doesnt mean i will get intimate just like that. I dont even allow people to touch me let alone have sex with them!

RESIST YOUR TEMPTATION PLEASE COZ I WAS BORN TO TEASE>

Bestiality is a form of paraphilia where a person is sexually stimulated by having sex with animals. (most commonly with dogs.) In mental health, It is called ZOOPHILIA or more precisely ZOOSEXUALITY.

 I've Learned about it in Abnormal Psych and i have seen this kind of sexual behavior in movie clips but never in my wildest dream that i will meet someone who is an actual zoophile. (animal lover with the true sense of this word.)

Here's my story:

I received an email from an american model who is based in italy. He wanted us to be friends so i emailed him back eventhouh i really dont like models since they are abnormally goodlooking people and i  dont think there's a reason for me to be associated with one. (bitchy! ok im just bitter and envious!) But this guy is different, (he's not that impressive! geeez look who's talking here. as if~)

We got along well and he wants us to try each other out. (fuck is the operative word.) Im a crazy woman so i asked him what is his ultimate sexual fantasy. He said he has one but he would never try it out since for him it's kinda gross. My curiosity was triggered and i was so intrigued that i told him that if i think it's not something i would regret, i might even consider doin it. He first asked me if i have dogs then he said he wants to have a black labrador. (he cant coz he's always moving around) I was distraught since i thought he wanted to avoid my question then boom. He said he wants to watch me getting fucked by a black labrador. He imagined he would have the hardest hard on then he can fuck me.(Cmon now, Im not hairy and definitely not furry so what the hell?)

Stunned, I simply said im monogamous and that applies to people and animals.(hahaha) He said it was ok and it was just his crazy fantasy and he would never force anyone to do it.

Needless to say i dont think things will work out between us coz im sure i will always be worrying if this guy is fucking a bitch or if he is fucking a real bitch.

If someone cheats on me i can accept that but if somone cheats on me with a nonhuman? I'll kill myself, haahaha

I love food. I actually love eating but recently i've been eating less than what is needed. Dont get me wrong im not trying to try a new diet nor am i trying to lose weight. (im 120 lbs and for a 5'5 woman like me that is desirable)
I noticed that i only eat once for a whole day. Yesterday, i only hade crakers for lunch and i know that it's not right since school and work demands a lot from me.I dont even drink water anymore, I should drink 3 liters of fluids everyday and sometimes more since i lose more moisture coz im constanly talking everyday.
Im not depressed, (believe me. Depression doesnt affect my eating habits)
I used to eat like a bear on winter but now i've been skipping meals frequently. maybe coz im always tired and too lazy to eat. i dont think i have anorexia since i love food. perhaps i just need more time and money to buy foods that i like.

I should start to eat again. coz i hat being skinny. coz i think a little cellulite is sooo damn hot, (im such a sucker for chubby men). Gosh, i took up classes on nutrition and i really dont wanna waste what i learned.

I have always been straight and of course i expect my man to be one too but in this time and age. It very hard to distinguis a straight one to the non straight ones even if you ask them over and over again.

Here's my story. I met a wonderful guy from work and from the start we hit it off, everything seemed perfect untill buzz came in implicating that this new guy wants a guy too. I ask him about it and and reassured him that it's ok with me. (hello, im an advocate of same sex rights.) He explained to me that no matter what  a man does, everyone would doubt his sexuality, perhaps a self fulfilling prophecy and a ploy to convert the remaining straight guys in gaydom. Our story went on untill i found myself deeply inlove with him. He never failed to praise me, appreciate me and take care of me. I had the greatest time with him and i thought "THIS IS IT" but the intrigue didnt cease untill i saw him with another guy. I asked him if the news is true about them but then again he denied things, reasssuring me that he's happier with me and that he only finds this guy as a friend and he doesnt wanna hurt his feelings by shutting him off. He's just a new guy and he wants to gain as many friends as he can. (yeah tell me about it.) I was blinded so i believed him untill finally the evidence were so strong that he admitted everything to me (well not all coz he said nothing happened between them> yeah right)

Kill me why doncha!.

I swear that i find two guy lover sweet and exciting and extremely hot but for my lover to admit to me that he is more attracted to a guy is like a bomb on my whole being. I met i guy and our love was strong, He admitted to me that he had a boyfriend before that he seriously regrets of having. (he's a virgin by the way.) He constantly reassured me that im the only one he finds attractive and that he actually doesnt like men. (foolish heart.) Now he's happy with him and im here writing down this blog entry.

I want them to be happy but i hope they could just be true to themselves and not use me as the last resort of proving that they are straight coz clearly there's nothin wrong with loving a guy. although i still cant imagine my ex kissing another guy and worse i cant imagine him sucking someone's dick but then again, i know that would be hot!

I may be ok with this thing but im not ok with my man to be bisexual. It's hard enough to compete with other girls and it would be doubly hard if you also have to compete with boys. So as much as i love them. i know i cant continue since im selfish and i cannot share my man with anyone else.

Looking at these picture, I wish i was a man so i can be with my baby.

but then again no! hahahaha.

My ex boyfriend has this things for girl to girl action. He even fantasizes about me kissing another woman.

but i knew that this is not for me. I dont think i can kiss another woman and when i see two women in action (e.g porn). i find it boring and skip to the next couple. (My girlfriends would really hate me for this! hehehe)

But i know im gonna be biased on this coz i really find two guys kissing HOT HOT HOT. (although i had a boyfriend who turned out to be bisexual and boy! i cant imagine him kissing another man, that would be like killing me)

For arguments sake. I have an idea how lesbian kiss turns my ex-bf on and since i am born to please and pleasure my man, i think i better reconsider. anyway i dont think there is something wrong about it.

but then again im single (without a boyfriend requesting me to do that) so i dont have to think about it. heheheh.

and again just to clarify. I will do that just for my bf, not because i want it or it's my thing. heheheh.

What do you think? 

For all the pinoys, here's an entry i am so proud of.

You see, I can be naughty sometimes and the little goddess is not as innocent as you thought i am

 Here's my threesome story.

Since i started school, I didnt have the time to update my blog and admittedly i lost my passion in writing down my emotions.

I started writing my blog back in JUNE 2006. I got into this from reading the blogs of CHOLENG and THE HELL and since then i wanted to do the same (entry about my ACQUIRED INSANITY).

After a while, This passion started to wane and i felt like the therapeutic effects of writing down my emotions has lost it's edge. I wrote myself into a corner as what writers call it.

Thankfully, Geisha ignited my passion again. I felt envious of this genius' blog entries so i remembered and felt the joys (and pains) of writing down my thoughts because of GEISHA.

And the people that helped bring back my passion, BOMBERO KING, BALBAHUTOG, FERBERT, and HOLY KAMOTE.

 So i'd like to thank you these guys. So from now on>>>

More entries to come!

 (NOTE: click on their names to blow your mind off.) 

Oopps, My bad. i mean sexuality and gender identification. (this is not in anyway professional in nature.)

SEX: People are born MAN and WOMAN and nothing else. Fine. That is true. I person can only be man and woman. no argument on that. Genetically there are only two combination XX for women and XY for me. This is the physical aspect of a person but it doesnt define who that person would be. let's talk about the,,,

GENDER: People are either MALE or FEMALE regardless of their sex. This can also be expressed as masculine or feminine. Therefore a man could be masculine or femine or a woman can be masculine or feminine. or sometime they can be both. Confused? Wait we also have to take into consideration the sexuality or,,,

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: A person could either be STRAIGHT (HETEROSEXUAL) so he/she gets attracted to the opposite sex. GAY (HOMOSEXUAL sometimes LESBIAN is applied to WOMEN) so they get attracted to the same sex. BISEXUAL those who gets attracted to both opposite or same sex.

So a person could have all the combination here. Crazy aint it.

Lets review:

• A masculine man could be straight , gay or bi.
• A Feminine man could be straight , gay or bi.
• A masculine woman could be straight , gay or bi.
• A Feminine woman could be straight , gay or bi.

Let's complicate things more:

Transgendered: Broad term relating to a person who doesnt conform to the assigned sex/gender and sexual orientation they were born with. Lets get specific.

Transexual: A person that identifies more as the opposite sex rather than their biological sex. meaning a man who believes she should be a woman (MTF or MALE TO FEMALE) or a woman who believes she should be a man (FTM or FEMALE TO MALE)

Tranvestite Or Crossdressers: A person who wears the clothing of the opposite sex but clearly doesnt wanna be the opposite sex. (note: There is transvestic fetishism. It is a condition where a person gets sexually aroused or gets sexual satisfaction/gratification by wearing the clothing of the opposite sex.)

Intersex: A clinical diagnosis where a person has both physical sexes. (hermaphrodite)

 Ok enough about this coz im starting to get a headache. Anyway as my ex told me. SEXUALITY is something i shouldnt worry about and definetly something that i should not stress on figuring out.

ALL i know. Im one damn hot chick (coz i have high fever) hehehe

I find it better for me to socialize as a way of recovering from the recent loss that i went through rather than sulk myself to the lonliness im in. Eventhough i still am hurting inside, It's not as difficult as before. I still have crying spells from time to time but i can smile and genuinely hope for the future.

It may sound like im looking for a rebound guy but hey! Just to beat depression, I wont mind flirting with other people just to get rid of the gnawing inside plus i clearly state that im in no hurry of getting involve with someone this soon.

Social networking clearly gives me the perspective that there are millions of people out there experiencing the same predicament I'm in or sometimes worse.

Although i know that this is just a false sense of adoration but who cares, someone admires me and someone finds me attractive. That in itself boosts my confidence somehow. So while im waiting for my life to be back to some kind of normalcy. I will bask in the unrealistic world of the web.

At least here i can flirt all i want but not get myself entangled in the crazly life of folks

From the start i drempt of you

holding me tight with a love so true

but just like sleep i have to wake up

and with a heavy heart i had to stop.

~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~

Over and over i cried and lied

"I'm gonna be ok" is the line i tried

Over and over u told me it's over

and you would feel that way forever .

~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~

Now there's no way for us to meet .

all i can do is now is to commit

and promise to wait for you

untill u feel the same way too.

~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~0~~

Teach me how to stop loving you

but how can i learn to forget you

I needed closure, my baby gave that to me today, he sent me a voice message coz i needed to hear his voice for the last time. i asked him to lie to me and tell me that he has found someone else that makes him happy. We both know that it's not true but for the sake of me moving on, he pretended he found someones else coz i can take it better to know that i lost him because of someone else than to lose him because of depression.

My baby was tormented to say the lies he said, He had to hurt me so i can move on. It's crazy coz i asked him to lie to me because  I am tired of crying myself to sleep and waking up empty. he said he found someone but it's not true since he spends most of his time talking me. It's crazy coz the person he's with right now is the character he created. i even have the sketch of how this person looks like. (my baby butchok dreams of becoming a game designer and he has created a game character who now is his allleged lover) I asked him to create this lie so i can move on.

I have a glimpsed of what caused him to isolate himself. My baby was adopted the day he was born, His mom had a crazy life, a renewed user. (one of the possible reason why he has developmental issues). He has an older brother and a younger brother who was adopted by a strange couple. I remember him saying that he's worried since the foster parents of his younger brother are trying to hide their brother from them and i know that they suspect that their little kid brother is not happy with his foster parents.

My baby's so concerned with his brother that he doesnt wanna face the world anymore.

 but i dont wanna deal with that anymore. I heard my baby cry as he wants me to move on and leave him. i heard him choke as he asked me to forget about him. 

 My baby has been alone all his life and that's how he wants to live his life. i cannot force him so i will live him and never look back. But one things for sure, I was the happiest when i was with him.

Not every one knows that i have a boyfriend, mostly cause i feel like im already fulfilled that there's no reason for me to tell the whole world about my wonderful love.

Everything was alright, eventhough we do share times of trouble, misunderstanding and petty quarrels, our love and commitment surpasses them all.

i thought we develop great communication that nothing can come between us, i was wrong.

Because as i am writing this, I am starting to get filled with emotions of longing, sadness, regret and disenchantment. My baby butchok asked me to give him space and he's letting me free from this relationship.

Butchok has been diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, He has the inaattentive type of ADHD, the type that is not hyperactive but nevertheless he has problems concentrating on things. I have personal experience of his condition coz sometimes so goes silent and he cant think of anything to say. (He did this, while we were talking. he's proud of the heart shape of us and above us )

Despite everything, Butchok never failed to make me feel special, he never failed to show me how much he loves me. He's the only one who made me secure in so many things. He gave me the stabilty and comfort that everyone failed to give. Never in my life have i felt so secure that i dont worry that im gonna lose them to some hot girl that they would meet.

But i did lose him, i lost him againts depression, coz you see, aside from having difficulty concentrating, ADHD people tends to have depressive moods and sometimes school, work and people around them aggrevates this condition.

My baby became the happiest  when he meet me. Our love give him something that no therapy nor medicine can give. But sad to say, He's losing his battle againts depression. Pressure and stress from his family and friends makes him think that there's no hope for him andhis causins skepticism againts our relationship has made him cynical about his role in our relationship.

My baby started isolating myself againts his family and friends and this made him think he's unworthy of a person and he believed his depressive thinking and he decided that he's not worthy for me. He isolated himself againts me and wants me to free me from suffering because of his distraught  self.

My baby's suffering and he doesnt deserve to and the fucking thing about the whole of this,

I cant help him and i cant be there for him.

I dont pray but for my baby to get better i would like to start learning.

Why does my baby have to suffer?

My schedule doesnt allow me to write anything coz i mostly spend my free time sleeping and recovering from the crazy workload that i have.

Thankfully a new schedule was given and i can now have more free time to do things and may fav past time would be ranting and self pittying untill im so depressed that i spring back to happiness (crazy aint it?)

Anyway it is not uncommon to everyone that i have a special kind of depression. (gender dysphoria). This condition makes me feel so out of tune with my body which makes me feel that i cannot fully enjoy life's pleasure unless i have my mind and body corrected. (so guys my need to dress the way i am dressing and my need to have my body altered is not out of whim but a neccessity to alleviate sadness.

Work is becoming less demanding and school is nearing its end but somehow i feel like my set goal is still far out of reach, i know i still have miles to go before i can finally say i am home but somehow i feel i havent even started yet.

During psych class i remember i phase where one encounter a fork in the road of life, where one has to decide what to do and where to go. i am not on that fork yet. I am just a few inches away from the starting line and yet my enthusiasm has started to decline.

Trojan peach told me that for a young lady that i am,i seem to worry alot about so many things. cant help it. being the inexperience little christina nicole. i seem to be scared of things that i know little about.

and my absent boyfriend is not helping either,

SImply put i miss him, and this makes me lethargic.

CHICKA LANG~

After almost two years in my previous company. i was asked to help another company with their service.

At first it was ok, i was enjoying myself untill the holiday came and my life was ruined and i would never look at americans and asians living in america the same way before, Sorry for stereotyping but i now understand why people are branded and labeled the way they are.

but the thing that will remain for the rest of my life would be the golden wisdom that only my work can give me. Nuggets of WISE WORDS

"Pls. check the previews escalation made"

This order was mint to be a gift"

Seriously!