"It's usual for a woman who never really had a stablished father figure to demand attention and to constantly ask for validation that someone loves her" DR. Stanley Katz Ph.D.

I have always known about this and no matter how i tried to convince and accept this empty hole in my past. No matter how i try to surpass this issue, i still revert back to the old needy helpless little me. This whole issue of not being liked takes a toll on all other relationships that i have. i have a hard time trusting and believing other genuine affections since what i long for is the primal care that i missed from my dad.

My fondest memory of him when i was still a little girl (HUH???) was when he would drive me to school, when he has dunkin donuts pasalabong for me and my big brother, when we would go the breakwaters of luneta to eat litson manok every other saturday nights, when we dine out and aristocrat will be the place. when we would watch a movie in centerpoint, (rocketeer was the last movie i saw with my dad), when i woke my mom up in the middle of the night coz i wanna see my daddy, i had ear infection then and i wanted to eat at jollybee's but they were all closed so we went to aristocrat instead and that's when we realized it was my birthday.

I remember every weekend we would to swimming. Every afternoon, he would take us around our place on our bike. every sunday we are at CCP or luneta. My first boat ride was with him in manila bay and i said i saw a mermaid and he laughed and agreed with me. I remember him holding my hands when we walk or stroll even just to buy bread in the bakery. I love my dad and i know he loves me, its just that it has never been a practice in our family to be mushy and affectionate.

writing this makes me cry coz all my life he was there, but i just couldnt be with him. we missed a lot of years and its hard to start a new. i want him to hold my hand, hold me when im scared, pick me up and throw me in the air when i did something great. and i just wanna lean on him and forget about the time and worries of the future.

"i had my dad all my life. but i didnt had him growing up!"